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Posted on 2008.10.16 at 11:29
I think it's the thought of never having you that kills me the most, and the thought that I've been lied to continually because I was never worth the truth. It's the pain that comes from knowing that the others were able to make you just as happy. And never being able to move on from the scars you have left. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever be able to live my normal life again, but then I stop myself in that thought and realize, there wasn't a normal life before you. There was just me waiting for you to come along and make me fall like I so easily did. I've been informed a few things since your last desertion and some of them have been harder to take in than others. But even when I wanted no one else near, I always hoped that you would show, but you never did and in the back of my mind I never really expected you to. I had begun to understand that you weren't coming back; I was a part of the life that you had planned to leave behind.
    Now, once again you are back and I'm not sure what to think. I know that even within time, I'll never let you go. You're memory will be with me forever, and there will be nothing like it that can shade what's already there. I can't help but let myself fall into a trance now that you're back. I hate that I have to feel this way, when you never will. It's something that I can't get away from no matter how hard I try, and I know that once again it's going to slowly back me into a corner and kill me while in the process of feeling this way. You can't save me no matter how hard you try; you never could, but this time you really can't.
    I can't be perfect. I'll never be on the honor roll, and I'll never be the star player of any sports team, and I can't always promise you that things are going to work out the way they were originally planned to, but I can promise you that I will always love you more than anything else in this world regardless of what the past embraces, and you will always be the most important thing that has ever been represented in my life; no one in this world will ever take your place in my heart no matter how many times you drop me. I know it seems like you can't rid me, but in so many way you can. So If I can't die in your arms, I just pray that you will be there holding my hand smiling with me about the life that you made so complete.



Posted on 2008.07.08 at 09:38

   I dreamt about you again last night, but this time was unlike the ones I've experienced many times before. I dreamt that I saved your life; I saved you from your end and made sure that your forever was not yet over.  Just like always, I chose to give up something for you so that you were able to go on in life, but this time I was forced to sacrafice my own life so that you could continue yours. This is where it all became misleading though, because I know that this wouldn't have had to of been a dream to seem so real, It could have perfectly been reality and matters wouldn't have changed much.
   After it was all said and done, you sat looking at me watching my last few moments of breath with the same motionless expression and unfazed look in your eyes that you always seemed to have when you looked at me. Without a word or sense of graditude or interest, you got up and brushed yourself off and walked away without looking back. You left me laying alone, fighting for my life even after I had just got done fighting for yours. As I waited alone, hoping that it wasn't the end; that you would come back for me and wait with me paciently while I slowly passed, I began to lose hope in all things meaningful in my once lived life. You never came back though, even when I my body shook into a cold stage and drifted away.


Posted on 2008.06.20 at 15:16
I hate when people try to use easy ways to tell you the tough stuff.
Treatment is just another way of saying "we'll help you the best
we can, and hope that it does enough to get you through."
I don't like when I'm told things like this, it's one of those moments
where you really are speechless and don't know how to react.
I don't want to have to dedicate my time and a year of my life
to try to fix this. I've been fine for seventeen years
of my life, and I don't need help from anyone
to try and make me better now. I'm fine with living
with something like this, I don't need to fight
or try for anything or anyone.
So why would I need to care about it? I don't need
something more to stress over which in the end will only
make me weaker then the stage I'm already at in my life.


Posted on 2008.06.01 at 10:20
   I want to forgive you. I want to know that I have nothing to regret with you and know that all my memories aren't as meaningless as they now feel. I want you to feel something, so I shield myself in dark corners hoping you'll eventually come find me, but you never come. I wait alone knowing there is no hope for me to be saved from this place. I can't make myself believe that this is going to get better when I know that it's not. I'm not sure that what the world is saying is wrong, so I pass judgment. I suppose that when it comes to fighting for our lives, it's understandable to become selfish.
   I'm still stuck on the thought that everything was a lie between you and I. You owe me nothing of what I expect but for some reason my heart won't let go of the only thing that it knows to feel. I lead a shadded life and nothing that I have grown to know is mine, nor will it ever be. I hate waiting for an unsolved answer that will never come but somehow, I remain with hope that I will be saved from this dark place that I'm locked in; that you won't leave me forever.

The way I fall asleep Feb. 08'

Posted on 2008.02.26 at 09:36
I cried myself to sleep last night for the first time
since I was a child. I never really knew it was
possible to do until now. I don't ever recall
such a deep, meaningful cry in all my life.
I must live without you now, and facing this is killing
me. I have to turn my back on what I want and face
reality; It's time to let you go. It's what's best for me
and I know that you will be better off without me.
It's what you want deep down and all I've ever wanted
was to give you everything you ever wanted.
I want nothing but happiness for you and this is my
contribution. I'll never forget the times we had
and how easy it was for me to fall in love with you.
The time I spent getting to know you has been
the most meaningful time of my life and I will
always leave a special spot in my heart for you.
You deserve better than this for yourself and
I hope that someday down the road I can look
at you and smile because I can see that you
have reached that level of happiness that I pray for you.
For now I wish you good luck in your future wonders of life.

What now?

Posted on 2008.02.01 at 17:17
I can't be in love with you.
It's just not possible.
I don't fall for people like this. I don't let their smile get
to me and their cute little charms haunt me.
I don't let people push me, cutely and laugh while we wrestle.
I don't think about their eyes when they're not around.
I don't get jealous when someone else has the potential to want them too.
It's just not something that happens to me.
I can think back to a time like this with somewhat strong feelings
but sometimes I just think that there were no such feelings
just admiration for what the person presented themselves to be.
I look at you and see everything.
I see someone who has the potential to do amazing things.
Regardless of what you've forced yourself to believe.
I see someone who wants to do what's right for everyone
even if it takes something out of you to make them feel better about themselves.
I see someone who grins but deep inside I know they're frowning
because to me your eyes are what holds the real truth.
I see someone who wants more for everyone you meet
and you would sacrifice yourself for so many of the ones you love.
I see that you have a tendency to not let it bother you when people fall for you.
You walk them through it and promise them that you're not as wonderful as it seems.
My favorite part about seeing you is that you think
you're not a good person but in my head I know of no one better.
You let the little things bring you down and let
the love of other people stress you out.
You hide your tears because you're supposed to be strong.
For me I know that it doesn't matter whether you smile or cry
I'm always going to be right by your side.
So this I tell you, it can't be love.
It can't be love when you're already the one doing all the loving
with someone else.